there is great hatred in my heart for film adaptations of books. while it is true i am a reader of unrelenting passion, i am also an enjoyer of movies, and most of all movies adapted from books. but there are so few good ones made, it is weird. well, i guess not, look at what movies get made or have been made that were beyond crappy but got good reviews or awards or something recognizable. professionally commendable. a lot of movies suck. a lot of books suck. a lot of books are adapted into movies that suck. bbc does good adaptations, but they are all of classic books that dont suck. its pretty hard to screw up a classic, i think, except many of the small philosophies are lost. adaptations are like life, or my life at any rate. and the lives of classic people. classic people like anne frank, probably. she's a classic. if anne frank was a good adaptation, and everything bad was to that degree of goodness, i'd be the grinch with jim carrey. or the majestic if it had been a book first. only because i didnt like that movie.
what i really mean is that my actions and the world around me usually dont correspond with my ideas of those actions and that world around me, which results in my breaking up with every boyfriend i've ever had in two months (always, yet unconsciously, two months) or my constant disappointment with the taste of the food i eat or my inability to successfully watch tv or my consistent dissatisfaction with what i am doing for most of my conscious hours (unless i'm having insane fun) (then, not much is insanely fun, but the ideas about what is possibly insanely fun are intoxicating) .
your company on the other hand is a nice foil to my struggles. our conversations and time spent together are usually in sync with my ideas about our conversations and time we spend together. thats good. except that means i know you and our friendship better than i know my own self and life. thats pathetic. maybe its not so wide of a gap, but the fact that it exists at all is extremely disappointing to my ideas about myself, not to mention the worlds around me. i mean world. i mean i dont care. if i dont think about it, if it doesnt happen, i will never have any ideas and will never be disappointed. consequently i will also be stupid.
will you still be my friend when i'm stupid?
my ideas are not good ideas and my convictions are not strong convictions. thus i found myself kissing someone. my ideas are too powerful and so i was outside my actions, despite intoxication, with my eyes open. i like to do this because 1.a boy looks funny mid-kiss 2. in the event he opens his eyes first, i dont want him to think i look funny 3. i secretly wish he will open his eyes too.
will you still be my friend though i'm stupid?
maybe this will convince you: all night i kept thinking about ghosts. although i tried, i just couldnt stop. of course miscellaneous sounds and starts form nico, the most nervous of cats, only encouraged me until when it came to bed time, i left the low light lamp on and laid flat on my back, knees bent and limbs close to my body, far from the edge of the bed. i have never been afraid of monsters. i have always been good at imagining ghosts. then nico kept going crazy on the floor and michael started walking around and i couldnt sleep because i thought all this to stop thinking of ghosts and then really couldnt sleep because i knew if i didnt write it down i'd forget it. i would've. i didnt want to.
but now i have to go, there is an advertisement on how to control minds on the side of gmail, where i'm typing this all out for no and complicated reason. there are a couple ads i have to look into actually. google always knows exactly what it is i desire to know. you too.
this is long, but i know you love me for my vertical depth. get it?
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