WHY

the hell does mike tyson want to be terry malloy do bad? i cant get it out of my head, the has been boxer, the lover of pigeons, the distinct voice. what oh what is going on? probably sloping eyelids.

you like clipped, pussy ass, twenty something, ecstasy experimenting, skinny legged, life of the party alcoholic voices. i like trailing, heroin addict, careful under the guise of a nasty mood, denim, sit on the couch at a party alcoholic voices. its the difference between smoking cigarettes for a long time and just beginning, like the difference between silent and said curses, like the difference between reading fiction and reading philosophy. like the edge where the smoke is separate from the air.

some day your internet will come again,carmen, until then there is aged apple pie

i got some apple pie from the refrigerator and microwaved it a little and it tastes burnt sometimes. mostly i just like the apple parts but it would seem incomplete without the top crust and the edge crust, the edge crust is what tastes burnt. i mostly get top crust, which tastes like crust, and sometimes, i mix the top crust with an apple part and its a different experience altogether. i used to hate apple pie when i was younger. i wanted simplicity and i just liked pumpkin pie without crust at all. or cheesecake, especially since it had limited crust which was acceptable. when i hated apple pie, i listened to blink 182, and got it. it was simple, it was straight forward and approachable and had bad shit that made me feel good to be so bad and listen to bad shit. then i grew up and got smarter. i believe at this time i tried banana cream pie, without whipped cream, and that was complex as fuck to me. i felt older eating this pie, with its crust and bananas and stuff between the bananas and the whipped cream on the side that i scooped off. i didnt eat the whipped cream, it was stupid like the spice girls were stupid but still there on the side if i moved them. today i listened to the silver jews again on the way home and when i got there i decided to eat the apple pie that was miraculously in my refrigerator . they are the same, silver jews and apple pie. there is the burnt edge, the crust that is not the best, but there and necessary, like being sad or sad and mad at the same time. and there are the apples and the stuff around the apples, the gooey caramelized apple part that brings relief to the entire thing and is the part you are waiting for, the good part that you wait for when its microwaving, and the reason i wanted apple pie in the first place. of course im not forgetting the top crust, which is relief to the two extremes and is like normal life, its always there between the sweet apples and the burnt edge, you, you get some pies that are not so good, like if the whole thing is burnt or the apples arent that sweet. i like the idea of complicated apple pie now im old, but not always, i mean not every one, i mean all apple pies are different, like all silver jews songs are different. you have to skip some things sometimes. you have to eat pumpkin pie again sometimes too.

i wish you had the internet, carmen

as much as i dont like them, as much as i find them repulsive and slow, old people love me. they think i am The Shit and i think they look like the shit. old people are uglier than new babies and pedophiles and if anyone wants to argue that point, look at an old person's skin tomorrow; it is disgusting. i dont get why they love me. maybe its the modern look of me mixed with the old fashioned conservativeness of me but those old people eat it up. i dont act any way to them to make them like me, quite the contrary. i am sullen and quiet and tell unrecognizable jokes. as a person, they probably would hate me, but as a stranger, i am the cutest thing they ever laid eyes on. a couple things i hate more than anything: liver spots, thin skin, old people blood, incomprehension, pink scalp, widened eyes, stooped shoulders, slowness, sluggishness, reliability, impatience (old people expect so much), labored breathing, shaky voices, loving smiles, old people questions, the comparisons old people make to connect themselves to you, old people's love of modern clothing, the question "how do i do this?" i think that all the time to myself, "how do i do this?"

what the

heck is butterbeer? is that beer, as in alcohol? is the drinking age in the wizarding world 12 or 13 or something, since that is when hogwarts students are allowed to go into hogsmeade where they will undoubtedly wander into the three broomsticks and that buxom slut, madam rosmerta, will serve them butterbeer?
as a 10 year old i used to dismiss this as simply a name, like root beer, that had no important meaning (hello, sirius black was on the loose). who cared? but, as i was finding with a lot of things in harry potter, it was becoming harder to overlook as i read on. in the fourth book, it says that butterbeer is strong stuff for house elves, and winky is usually seen drunk off of it. so its like watered down wine? are wizarding people trying to get young witches and wizards into sensible drinking form? fat chance for people like harry, who has role models like hagrid, a beer bellied, feel-sorry-for-myself drinker, or professor slughorn, a cant-pass-up-an-opportunity drinker, and also has a beer belly (and also serves wine to harry and ron and gets ron so drunk he's poisoned).
in the sixth book, harry supposes he will "just have to wait to see what happened under the influence of butterbeer in slughorn's dimly lit room on the night of the party." he's thinking about ron and hermione getting drunk with a teacher and probably having drunk sex in an empty classroom. good thing they are both under age.
good thing dumbledore doesnt give a fuck, he's too busy wearing flamboyant robes and being a genius. and mcgonagall never says anything when those gryffindors crack open nice cold butterbeers after a tough quidditch game.
your wizarding world is an alcoholic one, and i want to be "part of your world."
-emily

i shouldn't be alive

because i dont pay attention when i drive. i do sometimes, but sometimes i do not. today i was on the freeway and noticed a little mountain or giant hill that was perfectly flat on top and i thought, "what the hell?!" i couldnt stop looking at it then realized that i didnt know how far i'd driven or how long it'd taken me. i do this ALL THE TIME. i am moved to distraction at every turn, bend, and stretch and i shouldn't be alive. i have never crashed, and i dont put it to skill, its pure luck or god's will or whatever. i look at people all the time. i day dream all the time. i practically fall asleep all the time. moreover, my friends shouldn't be alive. any one of you who has been passenger in my car for more than 10 minutes or at least on the freeway, be thankful! you shouldn't be alive.
-emily

grandpas they

love me. so absolutely. grandpas think im the hottest shit since mary pickford. yesterday one came in and i was helping him at work and he paused, looked at me, and said, "hey...you know, i really like the way you fix your hair. its cute." then he looked at me a little and nodded and said,"you're a pretty girl emily. you know i have a friend named emily. an actress." he smiled and i said,"oooh yeaah." which was probably too forward of me. he probably never did her but it sounded funny and i have been on the topic of sex lately, kind of, mostly just on here. anyway i regretted that because he stood there and watched while another lady asked me a question and seemed to want to talk. im too shy for that so i started talking to my boss, who hadnt heard any of this and then the guy left. always old men.

was voldemort a virgin?

he was so consumed by the thought of power, did he have time for sex? is that how he got the hufflepuff goblet thing from whatsherface? there wasnt much supervision at hogwarts, could he have done it then? and after the horcrux shit, did he still have a thingie? was he human enough to maintain a libido? harry potter obviously never got any. is it possible he could have misinterpreted his scar's view into voldemort's emotions? "his scar had hurt...and he had had that odd feeling in his stomach...a strange leaping feeling...a happy feeling. but of course he had not recognized it for what it was" because he'd never gotten a blow job like voldemort was probably getting from his most faithful bellatrix. "'last time it was because he was pleased,' he said. 'really pleased.' he thought...something good was about to happen." ejaculation? its not like harry would even know what that was like, being constantly surrounded and sleeping in a room full of boys. well, i guess he had curtains around his bed, thats some privacy. anyway, men who love power also love sex, right? we'll never know about voldemort since he was soso private and also dead. -emily

the only people who confirm my beauty

-the old guy that comes in and talks about my dimples
-the old guy that comes in and talks about my eyebrows
-the creepy guy at the liquor store who said, "for you, no charge"
-the gross guy who grabbed his wiener, winked, and said, "thanks doll"
-the mexicans who honk at me when i walk
-the guy at work who thinks im real young and does all my work for me
-the old guy who watches me walk past and always sits outside henry's
-the flirty guy at rhino records who comments on the books i buy and recognizes me
-the 7-11 guy who smiles into my face the whole time im there
the guy at albertsons who called me "emmy ann" and i thought was just creepy till cj said he was crushing on me because he's a grandpa
-the meth guy at the gas station who looked up from getting trash to say hi to me from across the place
-the guy on your balcony who told me i look like i needed to be kissed and then kissed me even though i said i didnt need to be kissed
-emily

How can goods be bads?

, originally uploaded by Carmen Elizabeth Vargas.

-Carmen

It doesn't matter if you're black or white

-Carmen

-emily

what the mommies are saying to their children this weekend

happy birthday, but take a shower.
is it pulp fiction woooooooohoooooooo!
you look so pretty.
ooooohh yeah elmo elmo elmo elmo
thats not daddy
YOU pay for dinner
i gave birth to you
baby's not going to last forever, stupid!
her head look like a damn walrus.
we're leaving with or without you.
look em she gets blotchy when she cries like you, the only thing she got from you.
don't push me, baby.
dont touch anything that will kill you.
-emily

Library-books RR #14 from Annimanni 01-09-09, originally uploaded by mailfan.

-Carmen

The end!, originally uploaded by ucumari.

-Carmen

Booboo's defense sharply fell

I was depressed when I read that depression is the lack of self-defense.

-Carmen

hoping hard

but prone to self reflection. someone makes me feel young. someone else makes me want them to fail. is that a butt i see?
-emily

I always really liked this picture and this day

, originally uploaded by Carmen Elizabeth Vargas.

I think I have a little bit of what everybody wants. This makes me what nobody gets.
-Carmen

"I love you Ms. Carmen" [My Job]

Joseph went into the bathroom to pee. I stood outside the door to supervise when across the room Atzin began spanking Caleb's butt because he farted at the able. I had to physically interject because Caleb's butt was at stake. When I returned to the bathroom doorway Joseph was drinking out of the toilet.

-Carmen