I don't want this to just be read in passing, by some internet surfer.

I arrived at my moms house around 10ish. My mom had her boots on so I figured she was going to go hiking and I had time to distract myself from the impending emotional uproar that would be a result of gigi's departure (gigi is my grandma's cripple cat, if you didn't already know). Well it was a trick. She resolved that she shouldn't go and that the situation upstairs should be delt with immediately. But I wasn't ready. I felt like crap physically and I just felt uncomfortable with the whole idea. My mom is soooo strong but sometimes I feel that a lot of what she does she couldn't do without me. Maybe she could but not as efficiently and soundly. She can't even argue with Daniel without me. It is something I am kind of proud of but also kind of sad about. I have always wanted a figure in my life that was waay stronger than me in every aspect.
Anyway, we got right into the ordeal as if we were being rushed but we really just wanted to get it over with because, one, it smelled terrible, and two, my grandma is very delicate. Death is the worst thing to her. Her father died when she was 12 and our childhoods determine our worst fears.
When the cat was gone I got straight to cleaning. I didn't know what else to do. I talked to my grandma as I swept and tried to make her feel better. She asked me if we had milk. I smiled. After minutes of silence she asked for "a pill". She takes these pills for anxiety and depression but they are really strong so she's only allowed to have 2 a day. I said, "Don't you want to eat first?" She said, "It doesn't matter." I responded quickly, "Yes it does matter grandma, everything matters. You need to eat." I felt guilty after I said it, like I lied.
Now I am at the computer and I can hear her sobbing, but it just feels like she's taking quick deep breaths because I think she's too old to sob, her chest can't take it. I don't know how I do this everyday. I don't feel anything either, everything is just a fact, a predictable outcome. This can't be how healthy people think.

-Carmen